Relationships have a way of bringing our deepest emotions to the surface. Anxiety, stress, anger, and trauma responses can all emerge in moments of conflict. Intimate relationships, more than any other, tend to activate our deepest wounds because they mirror the dynamics we experienced with our caregivers. Unlike friendships, these connections tap into old patterns of attachment and security, making our emotional reactions feel more intense, raw, and sometimes overwhelming. It’s no surprise that in relationships, we may find ourselves reacting in ways that feel bigger than the moment itself because, in many ways, they are.
When emotions run high, it’s easy to react from a place of fear, defensiveness, or blame. But healing in relationships isn’t about controlling or fixing each other, it’s about learning to hold space for our own emotions while staying connected. My therapist once told me (yes, I have a therapist too) that blame often arises from shame. When we blame, it’s usually because the weight of our own shame feels too overwhelming to hold. In those moments, blame becomes a double-edged sword pushing discomfort onto someone else in an attempt to escape it ourselves.
Using Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, or “parts work,” we can recognize that the reactive part of us is just that, a part, not the whole of who we are. Instead of saying, “I’m so anxious” or “I’m just angry,” we can step back and say, “A part of me feels anxious” or “A part of me is really angry right now.” This simple shift creates space between us and our emotions, allowing room for curiosity, self-compassion, and deeper understanding.
Regulating these emotions in real time starts with awareness and embodiment taking a deep breath, grounding ourselves, and tuning into our bodies can help bring us back to a sense of safety. When we approach relationships with power with, not power over, we shift from reactivity to collaboration, repair, and deeper connection. True healing happens when we witness our emotions rather than being consumed by them.
Relationships can be challenging, and I’ll admit, there are times I’ve thought, "Being alone would be so much easier." But my challenge for myself, and for you, is to lean into the parts of yourself that need attunement. Ask yourself: What is this relationship bringing up for me? How can I work to heal these parts so I feel more regulated and whole? As Dr. Harville Hendrix says, “We are born in relationship, we are wounded in relationship, and we can be healed in relationship.”
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